Love in many places

There are a lot of times when you can doubt yourself. Doubt your choices and even doubt your friends. Not everything has a deep dark and hidden agenda, but some of us choose to go to that place with life. Some people cannot be trusted and don’t have your best interests at heart, but we may be cosmically connected to them anyway.

Life is a tough nut, and going at it alone may be one of the hardest things to do.

Being a very independent person myself, I rarely put a hand out for help, advice or comfort. When I do, it’s usually in a critical time of need. I’ve learned through the years that going to certain people to hear certain messages is futile at best. Do we stop going there? Probably not. Why? Well, lately I’ve discussed this at length with friends and it seems to be because we are ever hopeful that perceptions change, lights go on, attitudes shift, veils lift. Do they for everyone? Not a chance buster – but that’s ok too.

I’ve had the pleasure of making a lot of friends in my life, they represent vastly different pieces and parts of me. I am made up of so many people based on my experiences, at times I have tried to reject rather than embrace the octopus of my being – out of fear of not be accepted I am sure.

Hitting 33 pushed me into a different dimension, one where I wasn’t willing to make excuses, take less than I deserved, accept being treated like everyone else, tolerate being made to feel like less of a person, agree to shut up and be part of the machine. I woke up, I took that pill and I decided that from that day on there was no going back.

I’m causing rifts, shaking the ground I stand on and in some ways, lighting fire to my old “do what the man says or else” self. My future is bright, my outlook is positive and I’m at the most vulnerable place I’ve ever been in life.

At the end of a day where I manage go back and forth on the opinion I hold over my own choices, it’s nice to know that there are people out there thinking about me. People who find real depth in my character where I myself have only noticed a shallow, muddy and uninviting pool of person.

Today, I thank and honour one of my friends, who sent me this beautiful email out of nowhere, right when I needed it. I value every day you are here my friend, thank you for seeing what my spirit needed – without me having to ask!

Via an email entitled: WTF is in Sasha’s Future?

Dear Sasha, I have been thinking about your situation and have come up with the following silly thoughts.

1/ not sure if you realize how lucky you are. To be in your shoes right now. Think about the fact that you are one of the rare few who actually has ” Choice” . Seldom does it happen that one has a choice , at your age of 30 , about which direction you take in your career. Treasure this as there will not be many more opportunities like this.

2/ Whatever happens, happens. It does not matter what you decide because no one is going to die or starve or be homeless as a result of your decision. One gem I picked up year ago…..
” It’s not so much that you make the right decision, it’s making the decision be the right one”
Meaning, if you go out on your own new path, it will be up to you to make that the right decision, something I truly believe you can do. Again, you are so lucky to be surrounded by safety nets.

3/ review the negatives. Look at the list you sent to your head hunter. If, and it’s a big IF, they come up with solutions to every one for you, would you still want that ” job “??………maybe it’s time to do a Positive/Negative scenario that applies to a new career, a career of Raw Food/ Workshops/ Massage/Rocket Science / yoga……do that list and send to me. ( ok, you might substitute pole dancing for the rocket science one )

4/ I think you are a kind , intelligent , level headed ( when you try ) person. You have a huge heart hidden inside. I have seen you happy….mad…..sad…frustrated…..and frankly, my vote is for the happy Sasha.

5/ Values. What are your core values? Honesty….Integrity….Family…..Relationships…..Think of all of the things you hold dear, things that you can’t live without and which career path serves those values the best.

I remember the day after you quit your job, your face said it all, the glow in your eyes and smile on your face, something I hadn’t seen for a long time. The hug you gave me was full of purpose. That day, in Meghan’s class, you were on fire, you had the energy back that your job had sucked out of you. And I thought to myself, my god, even I had not noticed what your job had done to you.

Trust in your instincts, success will follow.

Not sure if any of this drivel was of much help, happy to discuss more in future.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you do, Your friend, Paul

The thing about true love. An ode to the man of my dreams.

The old familiar way home. Love.
The old familiar way home. Love.

The thing I now know about true love is that it doesn’t arrive to your door dressed the way that you were expecting. Actually, it arrives nearly naked.

It shows up looking a little lost, worried and worse for wear. It does just the thing that may stress you out most, frazzle you and have you feeling turned upside down. It lands on your lap when you are least expecting it. You may even resent it a bit for showing up.

However, things start to change once you have had a chance to calm down and make heads or tails out of your life again, you start to recognize some fundamental things about this new love that you didn’t have the foggiest about before. This happens over years, the slow digestion of inevitability.

It starts to occur to you that you’ve become fiercely protective of this love, you may even feel like you can’t live for too long without it. But this is when you also start to notice that something far more rich than you’ve ever experienced has started to develop. The childish jealousies and insecurities of young love don’t exist in the realm of partnership like this.

Trust remains unwavering and strong. The age-old desire to define a relationships worth by stereotypical means and roles is no longer on the agenda.Tolerance, faith, compassion, kindness and thankfulness become so bountiful inside you, you may not even recognize yourself after some time.

The river of this kind of love runs deeper than any I’ve seen in my life.

 

My super hero
My super hero

Today is the 40th birthday of a beautiful, sweet soul that I am blessed to be able to spend my days with. My deep-rooted desire to take care of him and our life is nearly bordering on insanity. My level of commitment to the success of who we are when together is mind-boggling.

I met this man 13 years ago and from that first moment I saw him at the front door while I descended the stairs, he never left my heart. Though time, distance and the regular grind of life kept us from ever being together, we were always friends and always cared about how the other was doing no matter where our life had taken us. Through marriages, children and divorces, we have been here in some way or another for each other. Nonjudgmental and safe.

jeff sasha

Luck, timing and something VERY right in the universe finally brought the two of us together, forever. My mule headed hatred for the prairies softened once I came to realize what I could potentially be losing out on. I then became who I am today. A rescued human who’s heart had finally found it’s forever home.

Family circle.
Family circle.

I am writing this today to wish the most amazing partner, lover, friend and father the happiest of happy birthdays. Without you the stars would certainly not shine half as brightly for the world.

Jeff & our baby Frieda
Jeff & our baby Frieda

Thank you, my love, for trying so hard to feel what I am feeling even when it seems so foreign to you. Thank you for encouraging my lust for life and travel and all things naturally beautiful and delicious. Thank you for bagging peaks, casting rods and slaloming down the hills. Thank you for turning our beautiful house in the woods into a sacred family space full of love, laughter and the fur of many adored beasts, large and small. For becoming nearly Vegan and trying your best at Yoga, tights or no tights.

San Francisco
San Francisco

Thank you, for being an incredible force of nature, a true mans man and a leader in business. Thank you for taking care of our family, even when that means late nights and thinning hair. For being grown up enough to know that a disagreement or spat will never mean the end of us. That nothing (but that one thing) could. Thank you, for living in truth, the most sacred of all human abilities.

Las Vegas
Las Vegas

Thank you for your capacity to love, patience and sweet, sweet cuddles on mornings when we can sleep just a little later. Thank you for bringing into my life fierce passion, wildfire and a physical connection that I can’t for the life of me ever see an end to.

Bagging peaks.
Bagging peaks.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For choosing to love me every day, for choosing to create an amazing future loaded with adventure and exciting daydreams and for being the other half of my soul that has been missing for so very long.

Coachella 2014
Coachella 2014

As my parents have said, you’ve tamed this gypsy heart.

Happy happy happy birthday Papi, you will always be the one.

xx

S

MY truth about recognizing the importance of sisterhood.

Lately, I’ve been coming to a very dark and confusing realization. I spent nearly a decade of my life surrounded by hustlers. I was shocked and appalled at myself for sinking so low…then I realized…I was one of them.

I had lived a life full of hustle – Real Estate tycoonery, epic “celeb” style partying all over the world bypassing lineups at clubs in LA, Las Vegas, San Francisco, New York, Vancouver, Montreal……wearing some of the latest fashions I had managed to hustle for “cheap” from a few personal shoppers I knew. Having personal assistants for my life and my job, living in the “it” neighbourhoods, driving baller cars and taking exotic vacations while somehow still managing to show up to work and get paid.

True, the most extreme of that hustle started to peter out some 5 years ago, when I started to realize that sleeping under my desk at work nursing the worlds worst hangover just couldn’t be done anymore.

On the outside I looked like I had it all hooked up, my friends always wanted to be around me, asked me how I did it, stated over and over again how lucky I was. I believed them. I wanted to believe them, I felt that losing this version of myself would be a total and utter disaster ~ even if I was alienating myself.

Fast forward to a little trip to the clink care of one of my “best” friends who pretty much slept with every man in my life other than my husband and my father ( I think)……as one of my few and close friends of today said back then “time to weed your friend garden”.

While losing this part of my life was really no loss at all, what I did feel that I lost at that time was my connection to who I thought I was, to my identity and even to my husband and friends.

Shaking that kind of deep confusion and pain off, can be quite an experience. I iced my “wake up” cake with a healthy dose of Yoga and one gigantic nervous breakdown.

Years later, in a place where I have come to understand most of my choices, or for the sake of my sanity have been able to shrug off what seemed just too nutso of me………… a little bit of the hustle managed to move and shake its way back into my life.

I realized in being confronted by the past, with the clarity of now, that all of those friends, loves, acquaintances in my closest circle were never there for anything but the hustle. A ride in a fancy car, a dinner party at an amazing house, yacht trips, flights, parties and someone to sit intently and listen to them moan over their life blowing up while doing bumps off of their house keys.

Stoned or sober, these are the people I spent years with. Never getting a word in edgewise and opening my doors for them to drink my Veuve, eat my Caviar and smoke cigarettes until the wee hours of the morning looking at one of the most stunning views of Vancouver from my balcony.

But you know something? I’m not angry. I am laughing at this. For this blog isn’t about them, it’s an ode to a wonderful and beautiful few that I will keep in my life forever. My sisters. Though not biologically so, these gals have occupied a long-term and solid place in my heart for decades. Some for nearly as long as I’ve been alive.

They are the people that know my middle name, my crazy Russian Uncle Alec, the epic battles I used to get into with my baby brother, taking LSD in the woods, hiking up amazing mountains, the scores of crazy boyfriends, the bands, the hangovers, the beach, the trips, the weddings, the laughter, the tears.

All these years they asked for nothing. Not for a penny, not for more than what was their share.

This post is an ode to you: Andria, Jenni, Kat, Helena, Kala…..and Willis, sorry brosef, you’re my bestie and I felt wrong leaving you out.

We may be worlds apart sometimes, and I may hate the shit out of girls 99% of the time…but you, my near and dearest have given me the greatest gift of life. Sisterhood. Your unconditional love, respect and heart I will cherish forever. You wipe away the crap of the past and have always helped me pave the way to a new, solid future.

Thank you for believing in me. I have always believed in you.

xxoo

Sasha

Shorty’s Birthday

Another year come and gone and here I am on the first of my birthdays away from friends and family.

I suppose that I’ve given up entirely on store bought gifts….looking for quality time and great hugs instead. The greatest gift I’ve been given to date, is my life. Though, I never did pipe up and ask for it, I understand that somewhere out there, a need for a person just like me in this world was created.

I am thankful today, for my health, my happiness, my love and my loss. For this, is truly the essence of a good life. Though, there are a million things that could change, for me, most of it I wouldn’t.

All the hardships, trial and error, wins and losses I welcome with open arms now. Looking forward to what is coming next for me around the corner, with less worry and more childlike curiosity.

Thank you, to all the beautiful people in my world, whether you see yourself as a friend or a foe, I see you as a lesson and another way I have learned more about myself.

Thank you to my friends, new; for your open and honest ways and old; for your patience, loyalty and stamina……all for their hugs, their kisses, late night binges and rants. Thank you for making me feel like the queen of my own soul and a special person to you, every day that you’re in my life.

Thank you to my mom, my dad, my brother, twinkle and all of my amazing family near and far, for being a part of me, like it or not. That can be a chore, I recognize. This gypsy isn’t the most pliable of beings at times. Thank you to family who is no longer here, for without once having you, and now experiencing that loss, I would be far less of a person.

Thank you, to the two little dudes who are with me no matter what. Who have taught me the art of loving kindness, unconditional love and seeing the playful side of life. You’ve had no choice but to be on this adventure with me. I respect you as companions, friends and the amazing beings you are.

And finally, I am thankful for new love, new hope and new times. Opportunity and fresh ideas, cold winter days and warm summer nights. I am thankful for the keen heart that waited, the open arms that accepted and the reassuring words that keep me steady each day.

Thank you to everyone who has passed through my blessed and charmed life, I couldn’t have gotten to this amazing day without you.

Love, love, love.

Sasha